Thursday, September 4, 2008

In My Heart Forever

This is a tender time to be blogging ~ tomorrow would have been BJ's 24th birthday and I know he would have grown up to be such a fine man. I miss him all the time. Some times are harder than others... but I had the sweetest experience that I would like to share. If you've read anything anywhere that I've posted lately: on this blog, ANWA's blog or via email, then you know I'm teaching full-time this year (after many years of substitute teaching). I'm 57 years old and a little nuts to boot. But I do love it. The kids are great and they crack me up... not that there haven't been a few "moments" when I wondered why I wanted to do this. But, mostly, it's been truly gratifying... but also, OVERWHELMING as I have such varied abilities in my class of 6, 7, 8 and even a 9 year old. I've tried so many approaches to reach all of them from where they are at so we can build on it and keep on going. Some things have worked out well and others, well... not so much.

Seems no matter how hard I've tried (and no matter how many HOURS I've spent preparing, or how much $$$$ I've spent) I have felt frustrated that I just am not getting there yet... so on Sunday, I asked Jim for a priesthood blessing. He gave me one after church and although he was the only other person in the room and the only one with his hands on my head as he pronounced the blessing, he continually said, "WE bless you... and WE bless you..." (with this and that...). I felt like someone else was there but no one was physically. When he was done (and the blessing was very sweet and helpful - but I'm still trying to figure a lot of stuff out), anyway, I asked him about saying "we" throughout the blessing" and he simply said, "None of it was my own words, Stephanie... I just said what the Lord told me to." And then I realized, that it was BJ who was helping him give me the blessing and I asked him what he thought. Jim agreed; it must have been BJ. I felt even more comforted by the blessing and Monday was quite good... but I'm still figuring things out.

At any rate, we usually have a family party on BJ's birthday and even get a cake that says, "Happy Heavenly Birthday" or something like that... however, tomorrow night is the 50's dance at school and I guess that's where we are headed and Saturday is our ward talent show... maybe Sunday we can do something special for his birthday.

So, tomorrow, I'll think of BJ but I'll be at school most of his birthday. I thought I would share a little cinquain poem I wrote a year before BJ passed away and then I'll head to bed. Take care.

A gift from God
Grace our lives for a time
Remain in our hearts forever
Stephanie Abney ~ © 1999


Leanna said...

He is missed. We'll be praying for you and Jim today.

Stephanie Abney said...

Thanks, Leigh.

Anonymous said...

That is a very sweet experience Mom! I love when I've had those moments where I've felt his pressence! I'm sure he's watching over you and your class. It will get better:) Love ya, Kaci

Tristi Pinkston said...

Thank you for sharing these beautiful thoughts, Stephanie.

Margaret said...

Steph, Thanks for sharing. We are so blessed aren't we. Thank you for your beautiful words. I am grateful for your insight. we love you and your family.
Love Margaret

Alishia said...

I'm sure you're doing more for you kiddos than you realize. Hang in there!! It does get better. The first year is the worst, but the rewards are never ending.

What a sweet experience you had during the blessing. I can only imagine how you miss your baby boy. He obliously misses you, too, and wants nothing but the best for you. We love you!!